Divi's Corner ring

Knowing Myself

I thought I had lost my motivation due to having some rest and stillness in my new place, that a lack of motivation was causing me to stay still.
I now see that this was an inaccurate conclusion.

It was this video I watched. It changed me. I went deep and I found myself as what and who I am. I found myself as what I truly am, that perfection which has always been here, that which is before I move into a possibility of existence.

That which has been driving me forward my entire life has been the single and one pursuit to find out who I really am. That has been my singular purpose and the drive of my self in my every action and intention in my life.
I have been feeling that there is nothing for me to change, nothing for me to find, and I didn't realize why. Why is because I know what I am.

I have not been able to find the motivation to move forward because I have spent my life driving myself through the force of my self will,
I have either been running from a fear of what I might be, or chasing a hope of what I might be.
I have used my self will, my heart, my mind, my desires as the driving factors to propel my being through this journey.

Now that I know I am not my mind or my self, I can no longer use them to drive my being.
I have been attempting to do so,
and this has not worked, because the primary motivating factors of the carrot on the stick is no longer present.
I can no longer drive my life through the use of my person. This mode of operation is no longer available to me.

The only way I am going to be able to move forward from this point on is to choose, and take action.
The decision and action of what I choose to create in my reality is now the only option, now that lies can no longer serve me.

I built up a person out of denials and self delusions and false senses of worth and false ideas of importance that I no longer am able to believe are true.
I am no longer able to pump myself up with any idea that the selves I have constructed are of any value.
I cannot unadmit that they are not real, I know who I am.

Now that I know myself as a being, there are only choices and action. I either have the choice to consciously create,
or be destroyed by placing faith into false, negative fears that I haven't wanted to face.

I don't mean that I have lost my person, or that I have lost my falsely constructed identities, or that all of my fears have disappeared,
everything that was in my reality before is still here, but now my only choice is what I will do despite the appearance of false appearances.

I can no longer pretend that I do not know. I now know, and I know the consequences. This does not mean that I will succeed, or that my life has gotten easier. This is much harder, because now a path is laid out for me that is more consequential. Now that I have lost my motivational factors,
now that I can find no lies to hide behind, I only have two options, and it does not matter whether my person prefers them or not.
My only two options are to act consciously, or be destroyed by attempting to act out of any other direction.

For example, I can no longer hope that I will have the strength to take action, I know that I have the strength to take action because I know that is a matter of choosing to act into that strength. I can no longer reside in the comfort of believing that I might be weak, as I know this is not true,
I know what I am.

I now see that whether I can or cannot do something is dependent on whether I decide that I can or I cannot. I have lived my life hearing people say these words, I am even fundamentally against ignorant people who say these words with no understanding, they say these words without truth, as if it were so,
but we all know it is not that way.
It cannot be that way while you know yourself as a person and not a being. When you think you are the person, you are entirely trapped by your limitations,
these people saying 'just believe you can do it' are offering snake oil, we all know that our perceived limitations and methods of self-sabotage are going to stop us, our beliefs are going to hinder our attempts at success.
Now it is true that if you commit to a direction, this is going to create the belief that you can do it because you are going to generate experience and evidence that you can do it,
but this is not as simple as, "just do it." It's more like, "Commit to it and return to it again and again, every day."

There are now only a few simple truths from knowing myself. I can now clearly see the destructive consequences of actions I take that do not align with my higher goals and intentions. I can now see the consequences of choosing my wants, my likes, my lower desires.
I can see how before, they would lead me to destruction until I could no longer go that way, and had to fall apart and choose a different way.

I can see how now, they will not only lead me to destruction, but I will know I am not being right, and this knowing I am going the wrong way is a naked knowing that I can not be shielded from, and the injury from this knowing cuts to the core of my being, because I am operating from my being.
I now know what I can be, and the real consequence of choosing to be lesser is the full knowing of what I've done.

I am no longer afforded the comfort or luxury of pretending that I might not have been able to do it because I wasn't capable.
That comfort was a true comfort against soul-crushing pain.
That kind of pain without the shielding of the self can hurt me in a far more injuring way that could actually harm me in a way that I could not bear.