Divi's Corner ring

Celebration of Passion

There is so much passion in me right now.
I don't have words to describe my thoughts.

In my life,
I didn't agree with the world that I lived in.
I was wrong about a lot, but there were some things I understood.
At this moment, I have the deja vu that I have written this same explanation before, but this time with more clarity.
This time with this epiphany, if it were accurate
Is it possible that to be given divine revelation while still divine, then it is possible to hold on to the understanding?

My mother taught me of the fruits of the spirit when I was a boy.
I understood, these perfections were inside of me.
I did not have to manufacture them. I was taught to hold on to these as sacred and keep them.

Then I grew older, and ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
I gained an awareness of more than my own good, I gained the awareness of evil, the mind of my fellow man.
I learned that none of these people followed their own teachings, that man said one thing and did another.

I was angry, alone, and unrepresented.
There was no one who validated my thoughts.
I inherently knew what I wanted, and it was connection. I was deathly afraid of all things, deep fear was instilled in me even as a child. I wet the bed each night in fear of a world of vast complexity that was not safe.
I had eyes to see, and I saw interesting people, and I would engage them. I discovered that to do this, they would reveal a hidden world to me. For many, this was more than sacred, for I was the first person they had revealed their secrets to.
I had bad teachers, good teachers, and myself, but everyone and everything was my teacher.
I had access to compassion, I cared for others, and throughout my life I was able to operate in acts of courage, as a support in people's lives, and as a voice of reason.
Yet, while I dramatically preached of my perspectives, I was afraid.
I saw other men, they were cowardly, and yet as men they acted in boldness.
What kind of man was I, who acted enthusiastically, and yet as a man I was a coward, afraid of pain?

For a time, one part of me was afraid of any negative possibility being true about myself. I would encounter a negative person and be afraid that perhaps I might be like that as well. I was a hypochondriac of existence.
Many people were surprised to hear me explain that I had any fear at all, saying that they could not possibly see me in that way.

I remember a time when I had deep social anxiety,
and went into an event with hipsters playing videogames, and I picked up the controller to play.
A friend of mine was there.
He was surprised to see me in that way, out of my element.
He had never known me to have even a shred of anything but the egotistical confidence of my name.
And yet, how many lifetimes I have lived with not a single shred of confidence.

Through my different aspects and stages and periods and phases,
even losing my whole identity, and many states of disassociation,
I still held on to that one understanding, of how it should be, how the world should be,
even if I did not have the courage to express it.

Surely I knew hell, understanding how I should live but being unable to act within it.

In fact, most of my struggle was on a different plane, between addictions and goals and desires.
But the scripture was true.
I had faith, planted as small as a mustard seed, and it was growing the whole time. I never lost that one crop.

I think that as I adjusted, as I began to cooperate with my world,
as I gained the tools to learn how to become my own master,
as I learned to become whole and real and one,
and someone and no one,
that people assumed that I was compliant
that I agreed with the world I cooperated with -

But I have always been waiting until even a taste of power was in my hands to operate from.

It's not the way I think I should be, it's the way I need to be in order to become me.
It's not that I need to act as a force of good for a humanitarian reason,
It's that I need to act as who I am in order to be me.
And me, is the most real part of me.
The most real part of me, is what others derive value from, it is the loving part of me.
It is that which I and the world hold as valuable -
And that which when I express it, I value witnessing it, and others value witnessing it.

It is the same that I wish for others to express it, and I am made just as happy when I witness them express it, as I am for me.
It is even my wish that the hardest people to like are able to be expressed like this, I have been confronted with their fatality, and seen the pricelessness of their life, even the worst of the worst and the most lost of the most lost are deserving of this.

I am writing all of this because I am celebrating and rejoicing.
I have lived long enough and gained just a taste of just enough power to operate out of the love I stand by, that is my way,
and to see that people would love me for this,
that they would say "love you" to me, a stranger, a foreigner,
not in a "we love you way", but in an 'all the way' way,
this is beyond compare.

To see that, for me to choose myself, my heart, and take the risk to speak out for it, and even to make decisions and actions that will offend others, at great risk to myself, and to do it anyway,
to not judge someone when everyone else would surely judge them in that moment,
to not come against someone when they would surely be my enemy,
to not condemn someone when they surely knew they were wrong,
to put myself below, to speak vulnerably,
to take myself from a high place and take actions that hurt my reputation,
there are some acts of self sacrifice that we have choices to make that go beyond acts of goodness, they are which take on damage and suffering with no perceivable benefit, not because of results, not because of gain.

On a daily basis, all it is, is looking at the world that is coming at me with an external pressure with a threat of repercussion if I do not act within the confines of normal behavior, and me willfully breaking that normal behavior through an act of which I am unsure of the consequences or results.

In that moment I don't even have trust or hope, in that moment I am dreadfully afraid,
but I consider that while I may not like the outcome, I can't control what happens, I could control the choice I made and I made a choice I am willing to stand by.

I don't know what others see,

but know that I act as though I have no regard for anything but being present for the moment and that I have good attitude in the midst of difficulty.

For me to be this person for people, it is priceless beyond compare. There is validation, confirmation, that the way I was walking with God was an accurate calculation of the data I had available, that my God is for me and not against me, and the reverse of this statement, that I am for and not against my God.

It mattered to me a lot to be loving. I was never able to be loving. I was loved by many in the general sense, thanks to the compassion of others,
but I was not able to reach out to love beyond the confines of my normal abodes.

I keep thinking, my intuition says,
That it is possible that I helped people's fear of abandonment issues.
I was clearly going to leave these people. This place was too much. The darkness was too much. It was destroying me. It did destroy me for a while. It swallowed me. It hurt me. I wanted to turn and never look back. People asked me when I was going to quit.
Everyone could see I was done. And I did not agree with this story and I found the love I was looking for and I came back and my intuition says that they saw this and it meant a whole lot.

My eyes water when I write that with a tinge of emotion, surely there is some truth in it.
There is a knowing that there has been an impact with which I cannot see. I can see the impact I have made, but I know that there is a wider impact with those I could not see, those who were watching me.

I love and I will always love and I will continue to love,
and this world will not stop my loving,
for it already happened and cannot be unwritten.