Qualification of Deserving
My nights often involve a few pages of processing writing before I go on a walk.
I wonder now with where I am at in finally having peace of mind, what my quality of output of writing might be were I to transcribe from "the voice I am meditating upon".
Or to say, to write from the refined clarity I actively meditate on.
When I think on that channel, I do not lose energy, I feel refreshed.
My limiting thoughts are not on that channel.
I aim to think on it all the time.
There is much I don't know but one thing I do know.
Whatever you think disqualifies you ability-wise or deservingness-wise is an illusion.
Whoever you think you are is not all that you can access.
You have a consciousness that can access whatever you focus upon.
If I believed I was who I think I am,
I would not be able to grow.
I would not be able to receive wisdom in the way I have been recently been given understanding.
I would not be able to breathe in better experiences and peace and love.
If I made assumptions about who I am,
I would be who I was.
And a lot of who we might be,
Is afraid of persecution from the question "Who do you think you are".
And when the answer to the question isn't there,
Because I am comfortably sitting in Silence
The answer might be,
And inside that
Inside that Silence,
inside that answer,
I am referring to being all of this great emptiness inside me, this silence that when I rest within, my mind feels a sense of calm,
It feels relief, as though a cool water has come over overstimulated nerves.
The emptiness feels like pure bliss.
And the possibility in it makes me feel full of bubbling potential which feels like a fullness of infinity inside my chest.
When I feel this, there is nothing else I want, in fact there is no wanting in me.
My breath is slow.
The anxiety is not here.
If I focus on actualizing the emptiness,
that which is a region of my soul,
that emptiness which is often under many shadows and false feelings,
If I bring that emptiness to form,
Aligned with my higher power,
I could bring that emptiness into form, from glistening shimmering into radiance, holy silence into loud sunlight.
I see now that my higher power created me not to be like the darkness but to be like the sun, that was its vision, that was the true person it created.
Then to finally see the truth,
That to be myself means no longer pretending to be a Loki,
That to be my real authentic self is to be like the sun, to be a champion of the earth.
All else is false identity, all else is idol worship, the worth-ship of lesser.
To be less than being designed to be is to resist your natural state of being.
The only possible reason to operate at less than designed is fear of pain and negative repercussion.
Then you remember certain truths and you see them as truth.
That what you are seeking is actively seeking you.
That higher ends up winning the race against lower.
That better gets better.
That the evidence exists that you will receive it by the fact that you are seeking it.
That to seek positive, good things for yourself, is evidence that you are a fundamentally good being that is always seeking goodness, even at cost to your self.
All wicked people are seeking power because they want goodness
Perhaps they want goodness because part of them wants to be themselves.
I am certain that when a person like me who has many thoughts,
Does not actualize his many thoughts,
Does not experiment with them with harder data with the collective,
Surely his mind will be full of torment.
Surely we must actualize our thoughts into our way of action and being,
For reason of a secret I am seeing right now,
That there is resolution of data in bringing thought to form.
This secret is in a Harmony and a balance between invisible and visible.
To achieve a balance, the invisible thought is brought into the visible way.
Then I am brought to a peace,
Because my thoughts were loud,
But my way is silent.
Now I can rest in the movement of what was once my thought.
Some of these revelations were to being forced to change by outside influence,
I could not have unconfidence,
I was forced to gain confidence,
Because of the negative repercussions on others if I did not.
In other words, I was not allowed to have the belief, "I am just a coward and an introvert and of a timid nature."
Instead, "I am who You say I am",
because in serving a different purpose, who I actually am is revealed through how I am called to be in the way that would be in harmony with the world if I were to show up in the role set before me.
I am in my day playing many roles, from fool to king to wizard to madman to devil to angel, and my role is situational as to what life is asking for.
As I get better at this, it is easier to perform as my role and less difficult to not say, "No, that isn't me."
But in between it, my fight to have more consciousness means I am cutting out significant time to exist and watch the sky, the sun and the moon and the wind.
This allows a consistent being between roles and moods and feelings.
And yet with all of this the gurus are not lying.
The reason they say you need to participate with society and not retreat to the mountains is this,
I now see,
It's because when you play the role that life is asking you to play in the moment,
You are not being yourself.
You are not being your false self.
It is true, if you perform your role perfectly, no one will ever know who you were.
That fear, "what if no one knows who I really am"
it shows up, no one is seeing you, they only see the role.
If they see you, you aren't doing a perfect job.
When you operate fully in the moment, and your roles change as the world changes before you,
you begin to see that two things are true,
One, the fear is accurate, no one will know who you "really were."
Two, who you really were never existed. It was a character you invented that you wanted to sell. The only person who knew about the fiction was you.
Notice the less conscious a person is the more attached they are to their conclusions about who they are.
The more conscious a person is the less conclusive they are about their character.
Somehow paradoxically as well,
The more you stop trying to be yourself,
The more authentic you become.
While writing most of the latter half of this,
I was testing my own claim.
That when we draw from thought we are drawing from a voice.
And I was resting within being silence as I was speaking about,
And I was writing freely from there without repercussion,
And I'm satisfied with the results,
Which are revelations that I would not have had,
If I had limited my speech,
With fear of sounding boastful or prideful.
I admit though that the energy I write from is borrowed I have been meditating on the moon for months when it comes out The moon's presence now overwhelms me perhaps as much as a real person might if they were to come too close into my space.
Of course, somehow, the presence of the moon is inside of my being.
I am reflecting the moon.
The moon is reflecting what is inside of me.
The same moon that is inside of me, is the same moon that is in the sky.
That same moon is in your sky. The same moon that is inside of me, is the same moon that is inside of you.
I feel that I am still stumbling upon this key, That "the religious person is seeking to be in harmony with all things", And bringing internal thinking into line with actuality as expressed in form,
To bring to marriage the internal and the external, to create a union,
To be in harmony is also to become one is also to become real,
The divorce from unreality,
The parting of ways from limited, isolated thought,
and the reunion with the one great thought.
I feel that a book could be written to break down each of those statements.
The key is easiest to see in this marriage of internal and external I am describing,
I am describing that I see a perfect flow possible when a person's words line up with their actualized way of being as they live their life.
I am saying that if a person's words line up with their actions, and their actions line up with reality,
then one can live inside of the flow state.
Consider that when one is in the state of perfect flow, they are no longer thinking, they are performing the task perfectly, perhaps music, perhaps dance, perhaps work, their action and their thought blends together as one silent and perfect movement.
The one who pursues what I am talking about then, the pursuit of becoming real, the destination is a life that is perfect flow,
This is obviously what allows a zen master to remain in a state of such water-like quality.
As the way becomes perfect,
The thoughts become more perfect,
As the thoughts become more perfect, the actualized thoughts as action become more perfect.
The thoughts become perfect as the mind becomes associated with the present state of consciousness, the current reality,
and less associated with subjective truth watered down by the individual.